The Truth about Blogging

I'm going to throw some serious blog knowledge at you folks!

Or at least how blogging pertains to me!

I am not that honest on here.

I probably write about 8% of my life.

That's right you are missing out on 92% of A Cynical Romantic!

Try not to cry!

I was at dinner last night with my friend Audrey and we were talking about writing and whatnot.

She was asking me about blogging and I realized a startling truth, I keep A LOT from you guys!

I'm not trying to be deceitful but honestly I can't write about some things because people I know, aka pretty much everyone who reads this, read it. 

I try to be upbeat, emphasis on try, and there are personal things which are hard to discuss, especially when trying to protect people's privacy.

I sometimes think about having an entirely second blog, that none of you would know about, so I can air everything! But again, I am trying to protect people's privacy!

I have had a big year, good things and upsetting things and you don't know half of it!

But rest assured I will keep you informed as much as I can especially when it pertains to me solely!

I respect blogger's that can really write about every aspect in their life.

Major props ladies!

I can't.

But today here's what I can give you.

I'm:

happy

sad

excited

frustrated

nostalgic

confused

determined

stressed

&

hopeful.

Here's a dream (semi)realized:

I am going to write a book.

Maybe tomorrow.

Or maybe in ten years.

But it will happen!

And yes it will be a love story. No surprise there!

The cynical romantic can write the perfect ending for a fictional story!

Here's my current goal:

Find the positive in every situation.

Thanksgiving was just last week and keeping perspective and being thankful for what I have is truly the most important thing.

Sure there are things I wish I could change and some days I let the self-pity take over, I mean who doesn't have those days, but for every "issue" I have someone has it worse and I should be thankful for what I have.

And I have A MILLION things to be thankful for. So trying to find the good even when it's not an ideal situation is what I will strive for!

xoxo

A Cynical Romantic

Sunday Randoms

My arms hurt!

It hurts typing right now!

It was 'arms' day in my workout routine.

See I have a love/hate relationship with arms day.

I HATE it! Personally

But on the other arm...hahaha workout pun...no....moving on!

The only time I appreciate arms day is when boys workout their arms!

That is heaven!

I'm a bit scatter-brained today hence why my post is called Sunday Randoms!

So enjoy the sporadic thoughts coming your way!

• I canNOT wait for Thanksgiving! Food=good, football=good, family=good! All around very good!

• Shout out to Kendra! What would I do without your hilarious texts to get through the day! You make me pee my pants on the regular! And your son is quite possibly the cutest kid ever! Wonder where he gets it from?? ;)

• Anyone else watching 2 Broke Girls??? If not, you should be! I only aspire to be that witty and clever one day! Oh and they have a horse, in a New York City apt, that's reason enough to watch!

• Why are holidays always so romantic?? Don't get me wrong, deep down I love it, but right now surface-level Ashley is wishing it wasn't so much! There is one commercial that comes on the radio ALL THE TIME. "Are you getting engaged this holiday season??" Every time it comes on I want to shout back, " Dude be more original, getting engaged at Christmas is overdone!" That's my rant. I'm done now! PS Christmas time is my favorite time of year, I'm not the Grinch or anything, just a teensy bit cynical!

• I started studying for another teaching test. This test is the Math 4-8. Holy Cow! I feel really stupid! It's been awhile since I was in a math class. ( I lucked out with my major that I only need one credit and I got that done freshman year) So it's been 6 years since I actually sat in a math class. I am having to re-learn basic math stuff. I don't remember triangles being this difficult when I was in school! But my goal of becoming a 6th/7th grade math teacher is getting closer and closer!

I think my brain is tapped out.

I will have a food post coming soon.

Breakfast Pizza!

What? You wanna see a picture?? Ok!

Honesty

I've been thinking about this post for a LONG time but haven't had the 'courage' to actually write it.

Recently I've realized that not only do I have walls up and a big guard but I am scared.

The thing I want the most is the thing I am most afraid of.

(I'm surprised how hard that was to type.)

**BTW for you slow thinkers I'm talking about the L-word!

(that's a lovely example of the humor I use to hide)

My cynicism and sarcasm and quick humor isn't just to keep people out but I think it's more to protect me.

Aside from family and a few friends not a lot of people know me full-guard-down.

The thing that hurt the most when my ex and I broke up was that he knew everything.

I confided everything. He knew the good things, the bad things, the everythings.

That sense of vulnerability that you feel when you break up with someone who knows you that well is intense. And trust me he used it all against me when we broke up!

I am scared to have someone know me that well again.

Even some friends I keep at arm's length because any fight or disagreement can lead to that vulnerable feeling.

I've looked back at every relationship since then, big or small, and reevaluated how I was with them.

And the overwhelming consensus was that I didn't let them in at all. Maybe I'm the reason they didn't work out because I was too scared at the thought of someone getting that close to me again.

So much so that ex #2 and I dated on and off for two years and "I love yous" were never exchanged.

What does that say?

I know that the people that know ex #2 will blow up my phone telling me that he was a big asshole and it wasn't me at all. But the principle's the same.

The more I've thought about all this I realize what things I tend not to share.

They're 'mood changers.'

The three or four topics that can instantly changed my mood for better or worse.

These people or things aren't discussed much beyond surface level.

A lot of people know about these mood changers but they won't see me vulnerable about them.

Usually they're mentioned as a joke. Humor takes the edge off any serious topic.

I want to share though.

I want that one person who can instantly know my mood just by seeing me.

That knows certain subjects are harder for me to talk about but encourages me to talk.

That knows how to make me happy, or knows what buttons to push.

That wants to be a dork with me.

That wants to adore me.

That lets me take care of them too.

That wants to spend all day Saturday with me.

But....

I'm scared.

This is a step towards me 'guard-down' and I feel slightly more exposed than normal.

xoxo

A Cynical Romantic