Honesty

I've been thinking about this post for a LONG time but haven't had the 'courage' to actually write it.

Recently I've realized that not only do I have walls up and a big guard but I am scared.

The thing I want the most is the thing I am most afraid of.

(I'm surprised how hard that was to type.)

**BTW for you slow thinkers I'm talking about the L-word!

(that's a lovely example of the humor I use to hide)

My cynicism and sarcasm and quick humor isn't just to keep people out but I think it's more to protect me.

Aside from family and a few friends not a lot of people know me full-guard-down.

The thing that hurt the most when my ex and I broke up was that he knew everything.

I confided everything. He knew the good things, the bad things, the everythings.

That sense of vulnerability that you feel when you break up with someone who knows you that well is intense. And trust me he used it all against me when we broke up!

I am scared to have someone know me that well again.

Even some friends I keep at arm's length because any fight or disagreement can lead to that vulnerable feeling.

I've looked back at every relationship since then, big or small, and reevaluated how I was with them.

And the overwhelming consensus was that I didn't let them in at all. Maybe I'm the reason they didn't work out because I was too scared at the thought of someone getting that close to me again.

So much so that ex #2 and I dated on and off for two years and "I love yous" were never exchanged.

What does that say?

I know that the people that know ex #2 will blow up my phone telling me that he was a big asshole and it wasn't me at all. But the principle's the same.

The more I've thought about all this I realize what things I tend not to share.

They're 'mood changers.'

The three or four topics that can instantly changed my mood for better or worse.

These people or things aren't discussed much beyond surface level.

A lot of people know about these mood changers but they won't see me vulnerable about them.

Usually they're mentioned as a joke. Humor takes the edge off any serious topic.

I want to share though.

I want that one person who can instantly know my mood just by seeing me.

That knows certain subjects are harder for me to talk about but encourages me to talk.

That knows how to make me happy, or knows what buttons to push.

That wants to be a dork with me.

That wants to adore me.

That lets me take care of them too.

That wants to spend all day Saturday with me.

But....

I'm scared.

This is a step towards me 'guard-down' and I feel slightly more exposed than normal.

xoxo

A Cynical Romantic